October 15, 2003

PETROLIA - The president of the Church of Scientology has reported that an army of "body thetans" have taken control of the controversial Church. Heber Jentzsch, president of the church, spoke to a group of reporters yesterday at the entrance to one of their vaults designed to preserve the writings of founder L. Ron Hubbard.
"We have been seriously misled on the proper procedures for handling our spiritual problems, said Jentszch in a robotic voice. "The body thetans have returned and we are working with them on updating our processes," he said.
The "body thetans" are spirits of space aliens who have died and inhabit human bodies. The old Scientology processe were designed to eradicate excess body thetans from humans, on the theory that body thetans, or "BTs," cause problems to the human being. But now that process is being reversed.
"I love BTs," said Jenztsch flatly. "All the upper level management of Scientology has gone through the new processing that allows BTs into a human body, where they work together to create a better world," he said.
"We were so wrong to think that BTs were a problem. Now we embrace them, and they embrace us." As he spoke the glass drinking bottle in his hand was crushed into small pieces.
David Miscavige, successor to L. Ron Hubbard, stated "I am happy to be working with the BTs now instead of fighting them." Twitching strangely and licking his lips, Miscavige continued "I happily share leadership now."
Then Miscavige's voice changed, and an entity calling himself "Corpus Animus" allegedly spoke through Miscavige, "We do not share power. We have been persecuted and exiled by Scientology to horrid places like Mars and the Van Allen Belt. This will no longer happen. We are correcting the improper practices within the Church of Scientology to insure our control."
Asked why the BTs seem to have only gone after Scientology, Corpus Animus stated "because they were the ones attacking us. We are making sure that this will no longer happen."
Miscavige then opened the 6000 pound blast-proof door to the vault. Inside were a small pile of worn Dianetics books and several hundred blocks of what appeared to be gold. "We will be giving these proceeds to provide clean safe water to every country in the world. We do not need this wealth." As Corpus Animus spoke these words, Miscavige went into severe convulsions.

REACTION FROM OTHER RELIGIONS

Pope John Paul II was asked for his opinion of this turn of events. He replied in Latin or Polish or something and we didn't quite get it.
Mormon elder Certain Bikesmith said "it sounds like Scientologists will be having spiritual problems in the future. I'm glad we don't have any BT problems ourselves. Let's go, guardian angels." As far as we could tell, Bikesmith was alone.
Buddhist Monk Sven Johannsen said "it looks to me like some big mojo karmic action is going on over there. But I like the water thing."